With freedom of movement laws coming into force next year that could bring 50,000 Romanians and Hungarians into Britain annually, our 'Queen' bestows her advice upon potential new arrivals in the country.
Dear people of Romania and Bulgaria,
As many of you prepare to head for new European shores when your passports finally become valid in countries that you have heard of, you may be considering a trip to one’s principal island and home, the United Kingdom. Please take absolutely no notice of one’s Government’s attempts to discourage you. As one always says, it is entirely understandable why people would like to flee the continent for one’s green and pleasant land.
To help you settle in when you arrive, one has compiled a list of one’s top tips for migrating to the United Kingdom:
1) The UK is a wonderful place for swimming. In fact, during the winter months of September to June, swimming is the only way to travel through parts of south west England and almost all of Wales.
2) On arrival, you may be under the impression that the UK is one country. It is in fact five: England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Swindon.
3) The UK is a wonderful place for fiction and you may come here expecting to find some familiar places and concepts that in fact do not exist, such as Midsomer and Inspector Barnaby, Coronation Street, the Liberal Democrats, and democracy.
Euros are not accepted. In any shape or form. Anywhere. Ever.
4) You’ll notice Ski Sunday on your TV in January and may wonder what it’s all about. It is in fact a documentary about people trying to leave the country when Heathrow and Gatwick airports are closed due to snow.
5) The UK is a wonderful place for young people but many of our youths get a bad press. There is in fact only one small group of particularly troublesome young people, known as the Cabinet.
6) There’s more to the United Kingdom than just London. If you’ve an hour or two, have your driver take you to one of the home counties and meet some of the locals. One’s been doing that for years and it’s well worth a trip, one can assure you.
7) A key constitutional principle in the United Kingdom is a strong political opposition to the Government of the day. At the moment it is Labour, headed by Ed Miliband who I believe enjoys a large following in eastern Europe from his acting days as Mr Bean.
8) Train travel is a wonderful way of seeing all the UK has to offer. If you happen to have the entire GDP of Romania in your pocket, you can get as far as Watford if travelling in the middle of the night in cattle class.
9) Euros are not accepted. In any shape or form. Anywhere. Ever.
10) You may find it hard to adjust to living in a country that never wins the Eurovision Song Contest. Do try and remember that this is because Europeans have no taste and not because the British have no talent.
One hopes these few tips will make integrating into the UK a pleasant experience. If, however, you wish to remain put and still experience the benefits Royal leadership, fear not: no matter where you are in the world, you can rest assured that the British will get to you eventually.
As ever, your loving Queen.
- 'Her Majesty' @Queen_UK is the unofficial Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, wife of the DoE, mother, grandmother and author of Gin O'Clock.
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