A Christmas message from 'the Queen'

Some festive, fruity tidings from the UK's unofficial head of state

I address you now as your undoubted Sovereign Lady and your loving Queen at this most special time of the year.

Christmas is a time to reflect on the year past and look forward to the year ahead. A time to spend with loved ones; with family and friends, horses and dogs, butlers and footman. It is a time when we think about our own lives and the lives of others.

More than anything, it is a time to give thanks that we have the pound sterling and not the euro.

The DoE and I look back on 2012 with particular affection. After sixty years as your Queen, one celebrated one's Diamond Jubilee.

One is only the second sovereign in history to have done so, the first being Queen Victoria.

Of course, much has changed since Victoria's rule. At the time of her diamond jubilee, the British Empire stretched across the globe. These days of course, overtly ruling other nations is considered a little unfashionable, and so we let them pretend that they are ruling themselves and on the whole they seem quite happy.

I was lucky enough to meet many thousands of you this year as the DoE and I travelled across the country visiting everywhere except Swindon. This was a time of great learning for your Queen. One learned in particular that travelling by train in the United Kingdom requires a bank balance the size of Spanish national debt.

We were also treated to a weekend of diamond jubilee festivities in London. Most notable amongst these was the Thames river pageant, during which the DoE and I stood aboard a painted barge in the freezing cold and pissing rain for what felt like approximately eternity, looking at more boats than one had ever hoped to see in one's entire life.

One also enjoyed a special concert at Buckingham Palace, organised by Gary Barlow.

 

One had insisted that Cheryl Cole sing live. That is a mistake that one shall never make again.

It has often been said that Gary Barlow is the Bob the Builder of pop, and he certainly put on a show. The DoE was unable to make it, partly because the river pageant hospitalised him and mainly because Cheryl Cole was on the bill. One had insisted that Cheryl Cole sing live. That is a mistake that one shall never make again.

In May, one hosted a dinner for the world's less well-known and loved sovereigns. The Queen of Spain was unable to make it sadly. Couldn't afford the airfare, poor thing. It was an occasion particularly enjoyed by Prince Edward, who hadn't seen that many Queens in a room since Elton John's birthday party.

Of course, 2012 was the year when the Olympics came back to London. This was a wonderful occasion in which Britain once again showed the world what it could achieve with just £10bn.

For two weeks we watched with pride as our Great British athletes won medal after medal, gold after gold. I know that many of you supported the events, either in person or at home on your televisions.

For many though, the highlight of the Olympics was one's entrance at the opening ceremony. Clever camera work made it appear that one had parachuted into the stadium, when in fact one had merely abseiled. It was a performance that earned one a nomination as BBC Sports Personality of the Year, a title one politely declined in order to give aspiring sports stars like Bradley Wiggins and Jessica Ennis an opportunity to shine.

The Olympics remind us all that we are part of a global family and gave us an opportunity to reflect upon how utterly strange most other nations are.
Indeed, this Christmas many of our brave military personnel are abroad trying to keep many other nations on the straight and narrow. I pay tribute to their dedication to Queen and country.

2012 has not been without its challenges and many of you are still feeling the impact of the financial crash and recession. This is a point that one put to the cabinet when one chaired a meeting earlier this month and delivered a royal bollocking for not sorting out the mess sooner.

It would be unfair of one though not to recognise the progress that has been made in government. Mr Clegg has this year achieved his swimming badge and one is hopeful that Mr Osborne may be able to ride his bicycle without stabilisers by the new year. One certainly hopes so.

And of course, Mr Miliband, who has done so well to progress from that Mr Bean television show to become leader of the opposition.

Whilst it is important to reflect on the past, we must look to the future.

In 2013 we can all be excited at the arrival of a new royal baby and I know I speak for the nation when I say how proud we are of William and Catherine and how much we all wish them the very best for the months and years ahead.

We may live in turbulent and difficult times. But know that no-one loves you more than your Queen. I wish you and those whom you love and cherish, a very happy Christmas.

God bless you all.

  • Twitter's @Queen_UK is the unofficial head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, wife of the DoE, mother, grandmother and author of Gin O'clock