Ian Jones predicts some of the tactics and gimmicks we're likely to see before polling day.
Every time an election campaign is held, the party managers and spin doctors like to deploy what they believe to be a host of brand-new stunts, tricks and gizmos.
These usually attempt to exploit the latest kind of mass technology, be it e-mail (in the election of 1997), text messages (2001), blogs (in 2005) or, as is proving the case this year, social networking websites.
But there are some things that happen every election regardless of changes in how we communicate, regardless even of the political hue of the candidates and parties on the campaign trail.
These tactics and gimmicks have existed, and will probably continue to exist, as long as there are reporters to ask questions, photographers to snap images, and voters whose support needs to be won.
They are the staples of every modern election campaign, and you can bet we shall see most, if not all, of the following 13 things before polling day. You have been warned.
1. A candidate will kiss a baby
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The default response of any politician in a public place when they know the cameras are watching. Any candidate worth their salt will attempt this familiar ruse in an effort to make them seem warm and approachable. Only a few will avoid the double whammy of a) making the baby cry and b) looking creepy.
2. A candidate will handle a live animal
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Similar in intention to 1), but with a higher risk potential thanks to the unhelpful if understandable tendency of animals not to behave in a human fashion. Mrs Thatcher was the first to attempt this stunt when she caressed a calf called Margaret during the 1979 campaign. Because it was considered a success, everyone has tried it since, though what it is supposed to tell the voter about a candidate's integrity is unclear. Perhaps an ability to weather the company of uncommunicative, ill-kempt creatures is seen as good grounding for being in the House of Commons.
3. A candidate will say they don't take any notice of opinion polls
This will happen when the candidate's party is trailing badly in the latest survey of public opinion.
4. A candidate will say they are buoyed by the opinion polls
This will happen when the same candidate's party has received a sudden boost in the latest survey of public opinion.
5. A party leader will attempt to name-check a contemporary pop star
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Tony Blair got this down to a fine art, casually referencing everyone from The Smiths to Simply Red and even managing to work some of the lyrics of Three Lions '96 into a party conference speech ("Labour's coming home!"). Usually, however, a party leader's attempt to sound like they have their finger on the nation's pop pulse goes hopelessly wrong, thanks to a slip of the tongue (as when Margaret Thatcher confused Michael Bolton with Paul Daniels) or the artists in question rushing to distance themselves from political patronage (as happened when Conservative MP John Redwood praised the "Tory sentiments" in the line "Everything's blue now, oh lucky you" from Lucky You by The Lightning Seeds).
6. The spouse of a party leader will be filmed "dropping in" on a primary school
A leader's other half never used to play a big role in campaigns. You rarely saw Denis Thatcher pressing flesh in youth clubs and care homes. Only in the 1990s did it become fashionable for spouses to pay social calls to places full of everyday people usually not old enough to vote and hence not old enough to talk back.
7. A party leader will be filmed using public transport
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The results, as with 5), are rarely successful. Something about the way they stand on a bus or train betrays the fact these people haven't been near public transport for years, and moreover are quite glad of that fact.
8. A celebrity guest will be unveiled at a party press conference
All political parties love this and you can bet it will be tried several times this year. The celebrities, once they have been paraded in front of the cameras, will inevitably struggle to answer questions put to them by journalists. But that's not really their fault: their job is to be a celebrity, not to discuss budget deficits and job creation initiatives.
9. Someone will be hit by an egg
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Alternatives may include daffodils (used on Margaret Thatcher), paint (former Tory chairman Brian Mawhinney), a bucket of ice (John Prescott), flour (Michael Heseltine) and a cup of cold custard (Peter Mandelson).
10. A member of the public will become famous for 24 hours after asking a well-known candidate a "difficult question"
Politicians are confronted by voters all the time during a campaign, but there's usually one exchange that gets caught on a television camera and hence becomes what the media love to brand "a pivotal moment". Blair had a couple (the wife of a cancer patient in 2001, a student in 2005), John Major was heckled by a mob in Luton in 1992 (the first time he got out his famous soapbox) and Mrs Thatcher was tackled about her conduct of the Falklands War by a housewife live on TV in 1983. While these incidents may not directly affect the outcome of an election, they are useful ammunition for rival parties. Plus, of course, they make for great television.
11. A party leader will shrug off a setback by saying "I love election campaigns, they're what politics is all about"
Well, they can hardly say what they really feel. Although if they did ("Frankly, I'm gutted, this isn't what I was expecting and I feel like going home for a long cry") the novelty may win rather than lose them more sympathy.
Finally, two to listen out for in the 24 hours before polling day:
12. Someone will call for the whole electoral process to be reformed, if not replaced
Code for: "We've lost the election, but I'm blaming the system, not my party and definitely not myself."
13. Someone will say they are cautiously optimistic about their prospects for success but will wait for the voters' verdict
Code for: "We've won the election, but I don't want to appear too smug. Not until I've got inside number 10, anyway."
