Boris Johnson: in his own inimitable words
1. “Dark forces dragged me away from the keyboard, swirling forces of irresistible intensity and power.” (While at the Daily Telegraph, explaining why his work was usually late)
2. “Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix, and stay conscious.” (Explaining why he quit after one week as a management consultant)
3. “Yes, cannabis is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It's time for a rethink, and the Tory party - the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth - is where it's happening.“
4. "No one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw.”
5. “I don't see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap dancing, and other related and vital subjects.“
6. “Nor do I propose to defend the right to talk on a mobile while driving a car, though I don't believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on. “
7. “The Lib Dems are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition.”
8. “It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall.” (Reaction to the Hutton Report)
9. “As snow-jobs go, this beats the Himalayas.” (Reaction to the Hutton Report)
10. “Some readers will no doubt say that a devil is inside me; and though my faith is a bit like Magic FM in the Chilterns, in that the signal comes and goes, I can only hope that isn't so.”
11. “If Amsterdam or Leningrad vie for the title of Venice of the North, then Venice - what compliment is high enough? Venice, with all her civilisation and ancient beauty, Venice with her addiction to curious aquatic means of transport, yes, my friends, Venice is the Henley of the South. “
12. “Look, the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it.” (On being appointed Shadow Arts Minister)
13. “There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge.” (On the dangers of obesity)
14. “My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.” (Response to being asked "Admit it: you want to become prime minister, don't you?" by Amanda Findlay of Bolton)
15. I have not had an affair with Petronella. It is complete balderdash. It is an inverted pyramid of piffle. It is all completely untrue and ludicrous conjecture. I am amazed people can write this drivel.” (Denying accusations of an affair with Petronella Wyatt)
16. “Nothing excites compassion, in friend and foe alike, as much as the sight of you ker-splonked on the Tarmac with your propeller buried six feet under.” (On being sacked from the Tory front bench)
17. “Howard is a dynamic performer on many levels. There you are. He sent me to Liverpool. Marvellous place. Howard was the most effective Home Secretary since Peel. Hang on, was Peel Home Secretary?” (On Michael Howard)
18. “I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs?”
19. Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.” (During the April 2005 General Election)
20. “I think I was once given cocaine, but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.”
